How many Romantic Suspense plots does it take to change a light bulb?
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Heroine insists on fluorescent instead of tungsten.
5th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to attack the hero.
6th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero runs to the mini-mart for new bulb and is wounded in a robbery.
9th draft. Villain scrounges for broken bulb pieces to inflict a series of paper cuts.
10th draft. Heroine changes light bulb.
What do they do...
a.) The hero extracts a pocket knife from his pants and propels the blade into Tiny's beefy arm, knocking loose the gun.
b.) The H&H leap to the secreted ledge six feet below.
c.) The H&H grab onto the landing skid of a passing helicopter sent by the hero's best friend.
d.) They ask Tiny about the origins of his nickname, thereby reducing him to tears and enabling them to overtake him.
2.) Your heroine is standing at the cellar door. She suspects....no, she KNOWS the villain is down there. What does she do?
a.) Grab some form of a weapon and starts down the stairs.
b.) Yells down the steps in a threatening voice.
c.) Waits for the hero to show up and go down the stairs first.
d.) Calls 911 and says, "There is a villain in my cellar."
e.) Backs up the cement truck and fills the basement with cement.
3.) Modern-day pirates attack the hero and heroine aboard the hero's yacht moored off the coast of St. Thomas.
a.) The hero uses a speargun to debilitate them.
b.) The hero and heroine hoist a net over the pirates.
c.) The hero and heroine escape on a speedboat.
d.) The heroine rubs vaseline on the ladder so that the pirates can't climb aboard.
e.) The heroine is part of a government experiment on mermaids, and sinks the pirates' boat with a great sweep of her tail.
4.) Our heroine has a stomach ache. Will the hero hand her a ...
a.) A Rolaid.
b.) A pregnancy test.
c.) The name of a doctor at the Mayo Clinic.
d.) A shot of whiskey
e.) A scalpel so he can perform emergency appendectomy surgery himself.
f.) The TV remote.
5.) Our heroine has donned a southern belle gown and boarded a paddleboat on the Mississippi in an attempt to free the hero who is being held hostage by a Bayou drug lord. How will they escape?
a.) Jump into the muddy river and ruin her pretty yellow dress
b.) By winning a hand of high stakes poker
c.) They jog in place atop the paddlewheel
d.) The hero hides under the plastic hoop of her underskirt
e.) An epic battle in the steam room, which naturally involves our hero being shirtless.
f.) Is there even such a thing as a Bayou drug lord?
6.) The hero and heroine have commandeered a dog sled in the famous Alaskan Ididarod race in an attempt to flee from an ex KGB assassin who hasn't realized the cold war is over. The dogs, not expecting to haul twice the weight, have stage a mutiny and halted. Aware that the assassin is closing in, the hero and heroine must...
a.) Send dogs and sled off in the opposite direction in hopes of misguiding the assassin.
b.) Bury themselves in the snow and hope he passes by.
c.) Hero carries heroine piggyback-style out of the woods.
d.) Locate a downhill slope and use the sled as a tobaggin.
e.) Lay out sticks in the snow that spell HELP for the ESPN helicopter overhead.
f.) Catch, tame, and train a grizzly bear using a garment the hero ripped off the assassin during hand to hand combat for the scent.
7.) Are you a spy? (Misty Evans)
How often do you lie?
A. Whenever I want. I’m really good at it.
B. When I think I won’t get caught.
C. Only when it’s an absolute necessity, i.e. hubby questions the six shopping bags in my hands.
Do people underestimate you?
A. Me? Are you kidding? Of course not.
B. Sometimes, and I use that to my advantage.
C. Sometimes, and it upsets me. I mean, honestly, LOOK at me!
D. All the time.
The last time you met a friend for lunch, do you remember what she was wearing?
A. Every detail, including her new Jimmy Choos. I drooled obsessively.
B. Sort of. I think she wore her favorite red sweater.
C. No, but I was wearing my skinny jeans, Salvage tee with rhinestones and Chanel sunglasses. I looked hawt!
A. Is my middle name.
B. Is something I’ll deal with if I have to.
C. Is better left to experts, unless it’s a trunk sale. Then everybody better get out of my way!
D. Danger?!!? Ack!
Confronted by a nefarious lowlife wanting to do you harm, your weapon of choice would be:
A. Beretta 9 millimeter – shoot first and ask questions later.
B. A taser – knock em out, tie em up, and call the cops.
C. My GUCCI Leather 'Irina' Large Shoulder Bag. It weighs, like, twenty-five pounds. One swing to his head, and bam, he’ll never mess with me again.
D. None, thank you very much. I’m getting the heck out of Dodge.
If you answered A for most of the questions: Congratulations, you’re a bona fide SAS (Super Agent-grade Spy!) Keep up the good work!
If you answered B for most of the questions: You’re a SiT (Spy-in-Training). Your secret decoder ring is in the mail.
If you answered C for most of the questions: You’re a FS (FashionSpysta). There might be an opening in Paris soon. We’ll be in touch.
If you answered D for most of the questions: Fuggedaboutit. Stick to your day job. Please.
8.) The world famous criminal, Franky "Three Toes" Gigtriano is now tied to a street light on Fifth avenue. Which of these actors finally got to him, and how?
Robert Pattinson - He bit him.
Sam Worthington - He released the Kraken on him?
Hugh Jackman - Tried to tie him to the lightpost, but his Wolverine claws kept getting in the way.
Charlie Sheen - "Three Toes" tied himself up after after Charlie threatened him with tickets to his show.
Sean Bean - He handed Franky "Three Toes" a rope and Franky tied himself up, because after all...it was Sean Bean.
What do you think?